Would you take business advice from this lot?

What’s in a name?

Names and titles are important, especially in social media profiles where space is at a premium. When you’ve got a split-second to make an impression, you need to explain clearly and concisely just what it is that you can do for a client.

So what you put into your social biography is of the utmost importance to making your first impression.

Far too many people fill in that biography like they’re a ten-year-old who’s been asked what they want to do when they grow up. But instead of astronauts, train drivers or paleontologists, they want to be Japanese assassins, guitar and drug enthusiasts or sub-continental lifestyle coaches.

The morons.

Who Are The Offenders?

Despite Ben Locker’s classic post on whether or not copywriters should re-brand as creatives or wordsmiths, the vast majority of people that write for clients for a living seem to have come to terms with their job titles. They’re happy to be copywriters, journalists and writers.

But the SEOs aren’t. And neither are social media experts, or a good chunk of bloggers.

Far too many people on Twitter and Facebook feel the need to bulk out their job descriptions with sexier, more exciting words.

And I think you all know what words I mean.

The Ninja

The quiet words of the SEO Ninja:

The ninja. Feared assassin of feudal Japan. The word ninja carries all kinds of connoitations. A stealthy, subtle presence that strikes fast to achieve an objective before the target even knows that he’s there.

Ninja sharpness, or just woolly thinking?

No job is too difficult, no opposition too entrenched and no competition too fierce.

Hire the SEO ninja, and I’ll have your website at the top of the SERPs before any of your challengers have time to react.

What the rest of us think:

A ninja? He wants me to pay for online marketing services when he sits around in his pyjamas all day eating pizza and watching cartoons?

I couldn’t be less impressed with this dude if he called me up to say ‘Cowabunga’!

The Rockstar

The Rockstar’s thoughts on his star-powered job title:

See that adoring crowd? They’re here for me man. Because I command attention. I’ve got presence, I’ve got catchy, easy-to-remember riffs, and I’ve got women queueing around the block for a piece of this.

And I make this look easy. I’m a damn rockstar!

You should listen to the rockstar, because I’m drawing in crowds. I’m filling stadiums. I’m top of the goddamn charts man, and my carefully cultivated rockstar image demands respect!

What the rest of us think:

Christ. Look at this man-child. If he spent half as long perfecting his content as he did preening, self-aggrandising or playing to the crowds, he’d be worth listening to.

And why’s he holding a guitar in his avatar picture? He writes about analytics software!

The Guru

What the Social Media Guru thinks his job title says:

"Hello! I'm a guru!"

The guru. Wise sage. Keeper of ancient knowledge. Yes, ancient. It matters not that social media has been around less than a decade, for the guru cares not for time. Merely knowledge.

Ancient, three-week-old knowledge.

Sit with the guru, and let us decode the mysteries of the infinite universe – and how to generate leads using LinkedIn. Together, we will traverse the plains both spiritual and digital.

And at the end, you’ll be happy to pay me a premium, as I will have opened your mind to unheard of wonderment.

What the rest of us think:

I wonder if this guy’s ever cut his fingernails? And he definitely needs a haircut.

So, what made-up job titles get your blood boiling? Share your pet hates in the comments section below, or let us know on Facebook.

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