Thursday August 6th, 2009. A day that will forever live in infamy. Forces unknown launched a devastating Denial of Service attack on Twitter, forcing millions worldwide to resort to emails, telephones and doing some work.

As of yet, the perpetrators of this crime are still unknown. Commenters across the web have pointed accusing fingers of blame at everyone from President Mahmood Ahmadinejad to the Illuminati. But fear not, truth-hungry citizens, as the cream of the journalistic profession have dug deep and come up with three suspects.


Suspect #1 – “The Kid”

As reported by the Daily Mirror. Familiar ground for The Mirror here, as society’s ills are blamed on one rogue “14 or 15-year-old kid“, acting alone to spite the world which wouldn’t buy him a Wii for Christmas. Claiming that he lacks any rudimentary programming skills, The Mirror doesn’t make it clear as to how our acne-ridden delinquent crashed Twitter, but then again they do need to fill six pages on Jordan and Peter’s ongoing divorce.

Plausibility: 3/5 – Maximum irritation for minimum effort? Sounds exactly like something a teenage boy would do. But would one have the skills to bring down Twitter?
Entertainment Value: 1/5 – Nothing smirk-worthy to report here.
Next Target: This DDOS attack could well be followed with a DSOS (Drop Spider On Sister) attack.

Suspect #2 – “The Russians”

As reported by The Guardian. As the British press’ most Twitter-reliant paper, the Graun had the most to lose from this attack, so need to target a more sinister villain. Who could be more sinister than those damn Ruskies? Ok, the Cold War may be 20 years dead, but it appears that the KGB keep their eye in by taking out whole websites in “an attempt to damage controversial Georgian known only as Cyxymu.” And if that last sentence isn’t made into a film at some point, I’ll be very disappointed.

Plausibility: 2/5 – Really? A government prepared to drop Polonium into a man’s sushi would rather shut down a website for a day than use a poisoned fishing rod to end Cyxymu’s life? Pull the other one.
Entertainment Value: 4/5 – Who’d head up this crack Russian hacker division? It’d have to be the “I AM INWINCIBULL!” guy from GoldenEye. And he’s hilarious.
Next Target: The Head of MI5′s Facebook account, most probably.

Suspect #3 – “What’s a Twitter? What? Never mind, we’ll write some garbage.”

As reported by The Sun . The Sun don’t understand Twitter. Or politics. Or basic hygiene. All they know is that Phillip Schofield was somehow inconvenienced by something beyond their understanding and head on to a ludicrous metaphor. What do The Sun claim took down Twitter? “15 fat men trying to get through a revolving door at the same time.”

Plausibility: 0/5 – Of course. Twitter is powered by a door, and those fatties heard that someone had a cake inside! Maybe Phillip Schofield had a cake and Tweeted about it?
Entertainment: 1/5 – The Sun’s website is designed to bludgeon the senses into submission. They could print Crime and Punishment on it, and it’d lose all entertainment value.
Next Target: Fern Britton’s biscuit barrel.

As you can see, it doesn’t look like the papers have solved this mystery. What do you think? Who’s behind the great Twitter outage of ’09? Answers in the comments section.

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