This man is working. Honest.

As any prospective online guru knows, marketing your company can be hard work. You need to create a convincing product, work out your USPs, provide a good service to clients and work tirelessly to spread the word far and wide.

Well screw that.

Because there’s a far easier way to drum up business. And all you need is to embrace your snide, sneaky side and start spreading slander on internet forums.

Just follow this easy 6 step guide!

Step One: Set Up Your Free Blog

This is important. You need a blog that you can control, but you don’t want to have to pay any money promoting your business. After all, that sounds like too much hard work. So head over to WordPress or Blogger and register a new free blog. And don’t forget to fill your title with words like “expert”, “guru” and “internet”.

So hurry, before expertinternetguruofinternet.wordpress.com is taken!

Step Two: Register on a Forum

Now you’ve got a base of operations, you need to head to your hunting grounds. Places like Digital Point and UK Business Forums both have SEO and Marketing sections, so head there. Pick a random username, upload a picture of a car as your avatar, and start posting like mad.

You need to be averaging at least 300 posts per day to be a forum superstar, so don’t limit yourself to talking about business. Start wittering on about football or motorbikes. Anything that increases your post count. Because the higher the post count, the more authoritative you’ll appear.

Step Three: Find a Target

Once you’ve made at least a thousand posts, you’re officially an internet forum guru, and beyond reproach. So now it’s time to start making money. Find a company in your niche, and make sure that they’re fairly well known.

They need to be well known, as you want people to be looking for information on their business. More and more people look for information online before entering into a business relationship, and you need to make sure that information is diverting customers from your target and towards you.

Step Four: Write a Blog Post (Allegedly) Slating Your Target

Here’s a template to use:

“I’ve heard from a friend/cousin/client/window cleaner/internet guru of internet that Successful company is actually a scam! It’s been alleged by my unknown source that they spend all of your money on gold-plated hoovering robots to clean up the crisp crumbs that litter their office!

I’ve also seen threads on InternetGuru Forum saying that Successful Company once punched a cow in the face. A poor, harmless cow.

Steer well clear of them! They’re allegedly an obvious scam!”

Step Five: Harness The Spite of Online Forums

Head over to your favourite forum and start a thread called “Are Successful Company Any Good?” or “Successful Company, Too Good to be True?”. Link back to your post, quoting it as proof, then edit your post so it links to your thread, creating a bullshit loop.

Penny Arcade know how psychology works...

Now wait for John Gabriel’s Greater Internet Theory to kick in. If you give a reasonable person anonymity, they’ll act unreasonably. So watch as people leap on the bandwagon and put the boot in. If they don’t, sign up a sock puppet account claiming to be an ex-client, and tell everyone about how Successful Company punched your cow in the face!

Step Six: Profit

Once you’ve generated a guff-storm of huge proportions, you’ll start to find genuine people researching successful company. This is where you make a profit. When they stumble across your thread, they’ll ask honest questions. This is where you shine.

If your target has a USP, explain why that’s the exact opposite of what’s needed to succeed, and explain that you’ll do a far better job. Grab your sock puppet account from before, and use it to add some weight to your claims. And then with a bit more bullshitting, you’ll have a paying client. Well done.

 

Six steps to profit, and all without putting a pair of underpants. You can’t argue with that!

Unless you’re a reasonable person.

If you want a cathartic rant about the sort of idiots that populate online forums, feel free to sound off in the comments section below. And don’t forget to add me to your circle on Google Plus!


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