Photo by The Sunday Sport

Photo by The Sunday Sport

This post will change your life. It will shake your beliefs to the core.

Make sure you read this quickly. I’m not sure how long it’ll stay up before the CIA, Illuminati and those Lizard Men that David Icke dribbles about will find this and shut it down.

The information I have to share with you is so sensitive, I dare not put it on the front page of my website. So check who’s standing behind you, run your spyware filter and prepare to clear your cache. Then click more. Good Luck.

The Writing Secrets of the Conspiracy Theorist

Aliens walk amongst us. Elvis Presley works in a chip shop. American Presidents, British Monarchs and anyone who’s ever been in a synagogue are linked in a secret operation that controls everything (Except this blog, the true voice of truth and trueness!).

When a random drunk stumbles up to you in a pub and blurts out any of the above, you ignore him. Yet thanks to the wonder of the internet, magazine articles and careful use of language, those claims are some of the tamer things that people actually believe.

Why? Because whether they know it or not, conspiracy theorists are some of the best copywriters around. And whether you believe their claims or not, you should be listening closely to what they have to say. It will improve the effectiveness of your copy.

Be Bold

Have you ever seen a conspiracy site that starts like this?

“We think, that on the balance of probabilities, man probably hasn’t been to the moon.”

If you have, you won’t remember it. Flaccid, weak statements don’t draw your reader in. They don’t instil confidence. Worst of all, they just aren’t convincing. Be brash and bold. A strong opening line gives your claims authority. And as any good conspiracy theorist will tell you, people like following the instructions of an authoritative voice.

Be Sane

The reason I chose the picture above is because it illustrates just how insane conspiracy theories can be. Yet copywriters make the exact same mistake.

Miracle product is guaranteed to make you look ten years younger, help you live ten years longer and will have buxom young ladies queuing round the block!

Yeah. Sure. Your audience really isn’t buying that. If you can’t make a sane claim, you’ve lost your authority. If it helps you look younger, say that. Let customers know that it “visibly delays the onset of ageing.” They’ll be much more inclined to believe you.

That said, if you built up enough authority, you’ve got about five seconds to get the reader back onside. Luckily, our Conspiracy Theorists have another trick up their sleeve.

Present Evidence

Your copy can be sane and strong, but there’s one more thing you need. No matter how outlandish your claim, you can make it seem sensible with the application of evidence.

The right evidence is key. It needs to be accessible, understandable and convincing. Nobody ever says that almost a fifth of people thought their product didn’t work, they tell consumers that 80% of people interviewed saw real results.

Admittedly, they never tell you that most of those interviewees work in the advertising department, but knowing just how much evidence to give is key. 9/10 marketing professionals agree.

Don’t Worry About Skeptics

Finally, the most important thing you can learn from conspiracy theorists is this. This is the part that changed the way I think about copywriting and blogging.

You are not going to convince anyone. Even in your target audience. I won’t believe the moon landings were faked until Neil Armstrong comes to my house and tells me himself. Some of your customers won’t believe your car is a chick magnet until they see toothless Bob driving past with Carey Mulligan riding shotgun.

So don’t waste your time on him, and don’t waste your time on me. Focus on the people that want to believe you. The ones who think that the truth is out there.

Give them a bold, authoritative piece. One that makes claims that they can believe, backed up with convincing evidence. And then make sure it speaks to them.

That’s the real secret behind all these global conspiracies. Great writing, and the ability to find the right audience.

Don’t print this off. If you do, shred it after reading. I’ll leave the comments enabled, but if you post now it’s on your own head.

Hang on. Is that a knock at the door?.

When he’s not listening to The Conspiracy Skeptic Podcast or laughing at tinfoil hats, Andy’s been known to write copy for a range of companies. If you need some sane and sober content that speaks to your customers, get in touch.


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